Crime and Fiction
by SN1987A - Ritzen
Summary: The truth is always ugly. AU.


_Ritz Ramblings: I've been wanting to write a Joui college AU for almost two years. I've also been wanting to write a Gintama parody of Detective Conan as well as a trash Takamui fic (reputation? what reputation). Since I couldn't decide which to write first and seem to have forgotten how to write humor, I mixed them together and gave birth to this atrocity. This fic promises to be a total disaster. I have no idea how long it will be, where it will go. This started out as "decisively un-Gintama in mood and written with complete heartbreak in mind" but the tone shifted a bit halfway through, so who knows? Treat this as a chameleon fic. This is my warm-up for the original novel that I'm desperately trying to work on, so expect sporadic updates and nothing regular unless I enter the ZONE. No manga spoilers, by the way. _

_tl;dr: I don't remember how to write. _

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><p><strong>01<strong>

-x-

If he could destroy everything then and there, he would. The bow tie was stupid, the tux was stifling, and the conversation was trifling. He needed more alcohol. When Sakamoto gestured to him through the crowd, Takasugi excused himself and placed his empty wine glass on a tray as he picked his way across the reception hall.

According to a geisha, two corporations were planning to seal a business deal at the banquet tonight; one of them was Harusame Corporation but the other was unknown. While he wasn't interested in the deal itself, it gave him an opportunity to find out something about his mentor's death, and Sakamoto had agreed to help. Their initial plan had failed: Gintoki wasn't able to get hired as a waiter for the event. Since guests were limited to one per attendee, they argued about who should go as Sakamoto's guest (Gintoki would inadvertently offend everyone at the table whereas Zura would inevitably get distracted—among other things) before they settled on Takasugi despite his perpetual hostile demeanor.

Locating the laptop, however, was another matter entirely. The banquet was starting in fifteen minutes, and Takasugi was growing anxious. Gintoki and Zura were supposed to break into the mainframe computer of the hotel to identify and unlock the room assigned to the Harusame representative, but he'd yet to hear from them. Once the banquet begun, he wouldn't be able to leave. Suppressing the urge to check his watch and his phone, he forced his shoulders to relax as he joined Sakamoto's group of four near the bar.

Sakamoto beamed and clapped his shoulder. "Let me introduce you to my business associates Sasaki Isaburo and Imai Nobume. This is one of my college roommates, Takasugi Chinsuke—ahaha!"

"It's Shinsuke," he corrected.

"He's trying to open a dessert shop with our other roommates, Kintoki and Zura. What's it called again? Perfect Parfait? Great name, isn't it? Ahaha! These two here own Funkin' Donuts. I'm sure they'll be happy to share their experience!"

"Ah," said Takasugi. Perfect Parfait was a complete lie, although Gintoki had wavered for a moment after he came up with that cover. The true "career" they were pursuing was neither glorious nor legal; they were just three college dropouts set out to solve one crime that no one else could or would.

Looking at the two business owners in front of him, Takasugi wondered why Sakamoto bothered introducing them. Funkin' Donuts was large and successful, but it seemed unlikely that a donut company would be the one closing the deal with the biotech giant Harusame. Maybe Sakamoto knew something that he didn't, or maybe Sakamoto took Perfect Parfait seriously, being the idiot that he was sometimes. This had better not be a waste of his time, Takasugi thought. More importantly, where was Zura's call?

A crash at the bar saved him from entering yet another trite conversation, and he glanced at the man struggling to rise to his feet while the crowd backed away.

A blond woman raised her empty glass. "Another one for the great Kijima Matako! Who else wants to challenge me? I'll drink all of you under the table! Ha! More booze!" She slammed her glass onto the bar counter.

"Ahaha—Mutsu, she's your guest. Do something about this."

The woman beside Sakamoto sighed and headed toward Matako.

"Mucchi! I'll drink you under the table too, do you believe it?"

"You're drunk."

"Hunh?!"

Feeling someone watching him, Takasugi shifted his gaze and met the eyes of a redheaded person leaning against the wall behind the bar. Unlike the rest of the men in the room, that person wasn't wearing a suit or a tux but some sort of uniform. That person's smile widened, and Takasugi frowned.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he nearly jumped. "Excuse me," he muttered to Sakamoto's friends and turned to elbow his way to the exit, reaching into his pocket for the cellphone earbuds. "What took so long?" he grumbled into the microphone and threw a distracted glance to his side when he realized that the redhead was still watching him from a distance.

"Sorry," said Zura. "It was more difficult to hack the security cameras than I expected, but now we see everything and the security guards don't."

"He came across a video of a dog," Gintoki explained.

"Of course," Takasugi said dryly. "Where am I supposed to go?"

"The dog was cute!"

"Zura!"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

"Room 1158," said Gintoki.

"Oh, we see you. Turn right. Do you see the elevator? No, not behind you."

"I know it's not behind me. I was just checking."

"What?"

Growling, Takasugi glanced at his watch and hit the up button with his knuckle. "We have ten minutes."

"You could skip the banquet," Gintoki offered.

Putting on a pair of gloves, Takasugi stepped through the opening elevator doors and pushed the button to the eleventh floor, his heart surprisingly calm. "You sound jealous."

"Damn right, I am! Why do you get a free meal when you don't even eat that much? Ahh, I'm getting hungry just thinking about this. We really should open Perfect Parfait when this is over, guys."

"You'll gain weight," Zura chided.

"Why do you care? You know what? I bet Takasugi did a poor job selling this idea to our potential investors. Do you think he even tried? Dammit, I should've gone!"

"Is that all you can think of?" Takasugi snapped, and the elevator dinged.

"Turn left," said Zura. "The door should be unlocked when you get there. We won't be able to see you on camera after you enter, so be careful."

Furrowing his brows, Takasugi pushed open the door to room 1158 and flicked the light switch on after everything in the room seemed still. A black laptop was sitting on the desk, and his frown deepened when he tapped the touchpad and the screen brightened.

"Takasugi? Is everything okay?"

"It's password protected."

"Well, we expected that, right?"

Takasugi took off his watch, a smartwatch modified by Gengai, and snapped off its back cover to remove a small chip that he could insert into a card slot on the laptop. He cursed and yanked off one glove when it was making his task harder than it should be. The chip contained a password decryption program and software that would automatically download any files on the computer, but there was no guarantee that it would work.

"There are soy sauce bottles streaming across the screen," Takasugi observed.

"I think that means it's working," Gintoki said. "Gengai, y'know."

"This seems too easy."

"Don't jinx it, you idiot. We don't know what's on the laptop anyway. Could be totally useless."

"Or we might be on the right track," Takasugi murmured, skimming the paper contract lying next to the laptop. "Project Eden. Harusame Corp is signing a deal with Tendo."

"Tendo? Aren't they game developers?"

Zura gasped. "What if it's a trap? A computer virus named Night Baroness developed by the ghost of Ellen Turing? She is out for revenge—"

"Shut up, Zura."

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

"What's Project Eden?" Gintoki asked.

"You had no idea what would be in this room, right?" Takasugi said suddenly as he scanned his surroundings. If there were spy cameras, they were screwed because this was too easy.

"Um, Shinsuke? You wanna get outta there—now."

"What? Why?"

"For some reason, our Harusame representative is totally plastered and being sent back to his room."

The image of the blond woman popped into Takasugi's mind, and he wanted to punch something. "It's her."

"Her?"

"Never mind. How do I stop the program?" Silence. "Gintoki?"

"Yank it out?"

"Yank it out?" Takasugi echoed in disbelief.

"I don't know! Just get outta there!"

Clenching his jaw, Takasugi grabbed his watch and pulled out the chip, pausing when jagged lines flooded the computer screen. He swore and pressed the power button, holding his breath until the device whined and restarted.

"Why aren't you out yet?"

"I'm going!"

"Turn left when you get out. Take the stairs."

"This is stupid," Takasugi murmured, opening the door and hitting the light switch. He jerked to a stop in the hallway, hearing the door click shut behind him, and felt the temperature drop a degree when the same redhead from the reception hall smiled at him, this time standing only a few feet away.

Well. Shit.

-x-

(TBC)


End file.
